Inconvenience
He woke up at 6:15. Lying in the dark, he knew what day it was. Friday, September 10. Today, he was going to do more in a day than he ever had. He was going to affect a week or two for his school, ruin the weekend of the people in his apartment, and destroy her for the rest of her life. When you’re as far north as he is, and it’s the right time of year, the sun doesn’t come up till about 7. When he slides out of bed, he moves immediately to his desk. Everything was set up the night before, all the materials he would need are here, though he knew he would only use one.
As he ties the rope, he thinks about her. The way she walked, the way she talked, the way her voice got just a little bit higher when she talked about her goldfish Sammie. The way she tied his gut into a huge knot every time they spoke, and an even tighter knot every time he saw her with her other. But no, a rope is too old-fashioned. Plus, there’s no noise, so it’s possible that people won’t find you for days. He tosses the rope onto his bed.
The sun begins to creep over the horizon as he picks up the bottle. The label is a picture of a sunny beach, the sand matching the exact shade of her hair. The sky, the exact color of her eyes, mixed with the calm of the ocean. He pours out a handful, and his hand gets an inch from his mouth and he realizes, pills are just as quiet as the rope. And even though he could go outside to get the attention he wanted, why would he put himself through the agony of societies judgments on the one day where he is in complete control? Pills hit the wall and scatter around his room, a few land on his bed.
7:08, the soft blue of the dawn filters in through open window, accompanied by the scent of the morning dew. As he picks it up, a small cylinder juts out of the left side. Six holes are visible, one is plugged by a small piece of metal. It’s amazing how such a small thing can do so much. The noise will surely alert neighbors. He spins it and slaps it in. It touches the side of his head, and he remembers the hug. Right after the movie, a hug that lasted forever. He asked her what came next, she wanted to be friends. When she saw his face, that face of anguish and hopelessness, tears poured from her eyes as she wrapped her arms around his neck. He would never forget the feel of her arms, the warmth of her compassion, the wet of her tears. He would never forget how much love and pity she poured out that day, and the amazement he felt when he realized the love she felt for him, even though it was not the love he wanted.
Here it goes, this is the last moment. The moment he leaves for good. He hesitates, but knows that this is what he wants.
CLICK.
One of the 5 empty chamber happened to line up with the barrel. Guns are so barbaric anyway. War is fought with guns, plus the mess goes only in one direction, and inconvenience is the goal today. The gun flies across the room onto his bed.
7:30, the sun has successfully made it’s journey above the horizon, and golden sun-light falls into the room. As six-inches of cold steel slide from it’s casing, he remembers everything. Her talk, her walk, her voice, her hair, her eyes, her love, her other… Today he will inconvenience her above all, because hearts are fragile, and she dropped his when she went to catch another. Today he will inconvenience her, because she was not the first, and she didn’t know that she would be the last. The feel of the cold steel reminds him once again of her compassion, that day when she saw what true agony looked like. He remembered the cool calm of the ocean and the sky that he saw when he looked in her eyes. He remembered everything he knew about her, and threw the knife across the room. Tears ran down his face and he realized, that inconvenience can be caused another way.
He loved her, more than he could ever love anyone, and she knew that. If he wanted to inconvenience her, the best way to do that would be to be there for her, care for her, give her you shoulder when she needs one to cry on. Be the friend, keeper of secrets, the one that she relies on the most when her life seems to fall apart. When she see’s this, she’ll realize the true depth of the agony, she will feel the deepest guilt that she could do what she did to someone like him. The best part, is that people will comment on his compassion, because of what he was able to do even after she broke him, and people will wonder what ever compelled her to push away such a compassionate, caring soul as his
- Photo by Cathérine / Used with Permission
even as a new adult in this world, i still feel new to this thing we call “love.” i know the hurt and devastation, as i’ve been there before several times in my life. each person was no different than the next, until i found the one. one that i could truly rely on and still share good times with. i thought he was the one and it hurts to look at him now, now that he is nothing but another shadow in my life; a shadow that i cannot leave behind. i swore to myself that he would never become one of those shadows, yet no matter what i did, nothing turned out the way i had imagined. he became a shadow that came back to haunt me when i read your article. it described what i felt, especially at the end where the only thing he can do is be there for her, even if she had hurt him so much before. i wish i still had the power to be there for him. i hope i still do.
i hope you find the strength to be there for him and continue to be there, i know it is the hardest thing in the world to help someone who has hurt you so much, but it pays off in the end. when all of the temporary people float out of your life, you realize that the people who stayed are truly amazing.